Finding the words

It's been a while since I have written much of anything.  I think I have hit my first writers block ever.  Not that life hasn't been full of things to feel , express and write about.  I just didn't have the words to write and the words I had I couldn't write down.

8 days ago we got the phone call that my husbands mother died.  Since then life has been a whirl wind of emotions, plans, and travel.

It was a phone call we knew was coming but was heartbreaking just the same.

I am exhausted emotionally and physically.  

This past week we left all four kids with my amazingly generous parents for four days as my hubby and I traveled to the Motherland in the Pacific Northwest of U.S.  

It is a trip we knew was coming.

It was a trip we have been dreading and even fearing  for various reasons.

God went with us, before us and surrounded us all.  There were rays of kindness and mercy.  The sun shone warmly on our backs. 

A lot of prayer has surrounded and proceeded these few days and for every grieving member of the family.

We felt sustained. 

I felt Him remove my own fear and hurt and replace it with  genuine love and grace that could only come from Him.

As we spent two days with my husbands family remembering my second mom we had hope and comfort.

We all have hope.

I have so many moments, emotions, memories and words that I am unable to process into anything but paradoxical fragments.

Sadness, hope

deep love, deep hurt 

beauty, pain

 kindness, cruelty

grief, comfort 

sorrow, peace
confusion, understanding

trust, fear

remembering, choosing to forget

miracles

memories

moments

As we reunite with our children and recover with a lazy day back at home my overwhelming emotion is gratitude.

which I find odd. 

I know God has us, he has this, he has my second mom with him in her eternal home.  

I am humbled by the reminder of his perfect sovereignty and His attention to even the smallest details of our lives. 

 Rickey,  your "marvel bars", your cards and gifts, your creativity, your encompassing hugs, your love of beauty, and your big laugh will be missed by us all. 

Whenever I see china tea cups, bouquets of flowers or watercolor paintings,  Whenever I  taste spice tea....

 memories will make me smile. 

I see qualities of you in each of my children.  Your freckles, shoulder dimples, thick hair, and creativity has not   been lost but only been passed on.  (although the thick hair seems to have skipped over a few of your decendants)